We are all born with the basic need to feel seen, heard, appreciated and loved. Also, to varying degrees, we all need someone to share our thoughts, feelings, activities and wordly things with. Sharing our feelings with another person is of particular importance, may it be pleasurable ones of joy and love, or painful ones of worry and sadness, or just modest feelings of everyday character.

As children, we naturally turn to our parents for expressing our feelings and sharing our daily experiences, and to receive confirmation, appreciation, compassion, love, or support in return. Yet, most parents (naturally) tend to have lots on their mind and are not always able to be fully present with the child (mentally, emotionally and/or physically). Although some people may be highly skilled listeners, most parents are now and then unable to find the time, energy, and peace of mind to devote their full attention to the child. Most, if not all children, have experienced moments when they sought a parent’s presence yet sensed his/her absence to some degree. In those moments, the parent may not have been conscious about his/her absent-mindedness, or was at least not neglectful on purpose. If loving and undevoted attention is given on a general basis, an occasional neglect hardly has a lasting impact on the child’s well-being and development. Yet, repeated or long-term neglect (or ”conditioned” attention on the parent’s terms) can make the child draw false conclusions about his/her self-worth and the risks of self-expression.

Forming beliefs for emotional protection

If a child experiences mental and emotional absence of a parent on a repeated or consistent basis, the child will eventually draw conclusions (unknowingly) about his/her self-worth. Over time, the child may develop a belief that ”it is not okay or safe to share my thoughts and feelings with another person, because if I do, I may get hurt.” This subconscious belief can also be summarized as:

“If I share my thoughts or feelings with another person, I will be [ignored, misunderstood, unseen or unheard] and then I will feel [unloved, unimportant or lonely], which could mean that I am unworthy of attention, appreciation, and loving presence.” (Note: Choose the approriate words in the brackets.)

It was never about you and your worthiness

In my coaching practice, I often hear about clients’ experiences of having been neglected, inadequately attended, or given only conditioned attention, either by one or both parents, and how this has affected them in painful ways.

If you are familiar with this pattern from your own life, it is important that you seek to find the real reasons WHY your parent was unable to give his/her full attention and unconditional presence to you as a child (whether it occurred at certain times or regularly). When we understand the actual underlying reasons, we will realize that the neglect was never about us or our worth. Instead, it will become clear that it was always and only about the parent’s limited capacity or ability to give undivided attention and loving presence in each moment. In the second that we recognize this truth, we will be able to let go of the false belief that the lack of attention and loving presence was because of our limited worthiness. The words that the client receive during the healing process from the parent (as silent words) are always: ”I didn’t know better”, ”I couldn’t do better”, or ”I didn’t dare more”, or something similar.

Going deeper into the essence

How do we learn about the true cause(s) of any lacking or inadequate presence from a parent? First, we need to be willing to go within and back in time to the actual hurtful experience. Secondly, we need to find a coach or therapist that can lead us into such a deep state where we are able to re-experience those moments of interaction with the parent. Thirdly, in that ”imaginary state” (which feels fascinatingly real) we need to be willing to feel those painful emotions again, yet now even more fully. As we re-live the hurtful experience as a child in the imaginary state (yet supported by the higher understanding and courage of ourselves as adults), we also have the ability to feel into our parent’s inner state and what hindered him/her from being present with us in that moment. Then and there, we are able to receive the full truth of the situation from both perspectives (as the child and the parent). With this fuller understanding, we are able to accept the hurtful events of the past and to forgive our parent for not being fully and lovingly present with us in those moments. The inner scene that unfolds in this “therapeutic state” is one of unconditional love, peace, and a new level of freedom. After many times of guiding clients through this journey of healing and transformation, I gave it the name ”Into Essence” (as in finding the inner essence of the situation, the parent, and the child).

The 12 ”P’s” that may prevent full presence

What may hinder a parent (or any person) from being fully and unconditionally present? Over the years, I have come across a number of possible causes that may prevent a parent (or person) from being fully present with the child to receive and share the child’s thoughts and feelings. These factors can be summarized as 12 words (all beginning with the letter P):

1. Problem – the parent is immersed in some sort of problem, may it be practical, intellectual, relational, private or work-related.
2. Plight – the parent is prevented or preoccupied by certain plights, either for work or as household chores. Likewise, a profession may involve work-related travel, which also prevents the parent to be present with the child at certain periods or weekdays.
3. Project – the parent is focused on a project, either work-related or home-based, that needs to be finished at a certain time.
4. Profession – the parent is often obliged to attend to its professional demands and expectations. For example, work-related travel and certain deadlines may prevent parents to be present with the child at certain periods or weekdays.
5. Passion – the parent is so passionate about something in his/her personal life that it hinders full presence with the child in certain moments of need.
6. Pain – the parent is hindered by his/her own pain (physical and/or emotional).
7. Poor energy or health – the parent is unable to be fully present due to low energy (due to exhaustion or depression) or other health conditions.
8. Persona – the parent is preoccupied by a focus on his/her own personal matters and interests.
9. Privacy – the parent’s personality causes a high degree of privacy towards others, which makes him/her unable to be fully present with the child.
10. Pride – the parent is too pride (for whatever reason) to acknowledge the child and to give of his/her full and unconditional presence.
11. Poverty – the parent is unable to spend time with the child for economic reasons, perhaps after a separation and subsequent move to another town.
12. Prison – in rare cases the parent may be in prison for a certain time period and is unable to be with the child.

Most persons have experienced at least two or more of these conditions on some or many occasions in their lives (the last two factors being very rare). Yet, this may not lead to any negative consequences for our well-being and self-worth, unless it happened in a significant way or repeatedly.

It is important to remember that a child not only needs to share his/her pleasures (such as joy, enthusiasm, love, gratitude, etc), but also feelings of pain (such as sadness, upset, anger, fear, etc) with a parent. In fact, all children need to experience both “co-pleasure” and “com-passion” with some parent or caretaker in order to feel confirmed, validated and loved, which will lead to healthy levels of self-love, self-worth, and inner confidence.

The value of ”co-pleasure” and ”com-passion”

Why is the gift of presence important? If we, as children, rarely (if ever) felt welcome and encouraged to share our joy and enthusiasm with a parent, we will not feel fully confident to share our joy and enthusiasm with others as adults. Similarly, if we did not feel safe to share our pain with a parent, we will not dare to express our sorrow, hurt and similar feelings as adults. Subconsciously we may live with the belief that “No one cares about how I feel”, or “I am not worthy of care, compassion and support”. Such beliefs are most likely based solely on misunderstandings and false conclusions, based on the child’s limited understanding of life, him/herself, and of the parent. The child tends to identify negative events as the results of his/her own worthiness, mistakes, or flaws. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth. When we recognize how we might have drawn false conclusions based on our limited understanding as children, we become free from the fears and self-imposed limitations that we once created to protect ourselves from getting hurt again in a similar way.

In truth, you are always free to be and express yourself in any way that you wish (*as long as it does not cause harm to someone else by will). In fact, there are no real hinders for your free and full expression. To be able to share our true feelings with another person is not only essential for living a fulfilled life, but also a key ingredient for healing and long-term well-being. Reminding ourselves of what we loved as children is a very good start…

Warm blessings on your journey of self-discovery, growth and healing,

Anna

(PS. This article was first made as a newsletter and sent out in October 2022. If you wish to subscribe, please send an email and I will add you as newsletter subscriber.)

(Note: The list of 12 P’s was upated on August 5th, 2024.)

Have you ever wondered why there is so much pain and suffering in the world? Could there be a higher purpose behind human suffering? Why do some people seem to have more pain and suffering in their lives than others? Is human suffering mostly the result of ”bad luck”? Or can it be due to a combination of different factors, where some are influenceable and others not. Could we avoid part of our suffering, or are we, at some higher level, ”predestined” to suffer at certain points in our life?

Over the last years, I have reflected deeply on the topic of pain and suffering, and how we can endure, heal, learn, and raise ourselves beyond them. My reflections are based on my own experiences, and on the challenges shared by clients in my coaching practice, as well as on lessons drawn from books and individual stories found online.

Recently, I have come to some preliminary conclusions. I believe that there are essentially three universal purposes behind our human suffering. The first purpose relates to the personal level, the second to the social, and the third to the divine or universal level. Here is an attempt to describe these three possible purposes of human suffering common to all people:

1. Suffering as a path to personal growth

On a personal level, suffering seems to lead us on a personal journey towards greater self-understanding, self-compassion, humility, and gratitude in life. When we endure a period of great suffering (such as a serious illness, accident, or emotional trauma), we begin to question our present priorities, values, and how we have lived our life up till that point. We may start searching for answers about the deeper purpose of life, beyond material abundance, career success, social image, or other outer achievements. Some people may find the answers in ancient wisdom, a religious teaching, or a spiritual community. Some also begin a meditation or yoga practice. Regardless, most people eventually choose to turn within to find their own personal answers, leading to new insights, strength and hope.

In other words, as we embark on an inner journey to understand and heal our situation, we often begin to experience life through new eyes. Things that felt plain and ordinary suddenly feel precious and important. Also, we stop taking things for granted and begin to feel greater humility, patience, gratitude, and joy in life. Similar fruits of our suffering are greater inner strength, wisdom, understanding and insight. Finding meaning in our suffering can be the difference between giving up OR surviving and reaping the gifts in disguise (as Viktor Frankl shares below). The following quotes reflect some of these ideas:

• “Suffering is part of our training program for becoming wise.” (Ram Dass)
• “No one escapes pain, fear and suffering. Yet from pain can come wisdom, from fear can come courage, from suffering can come strength – if we have the virtue of resilience.” (Eric Greitens)
• “When I planted my pain in the field of patience, it bore fruit of happiness”. (Khalil Gibra)
• “It is here that we encounter the central theme of existentialism: to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.” (Viktor E. Frankl)
• “We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” (Marcel Proust)

2. Suffering as a doorway to greater service to others

On a social level, suffering can become a doorway to developing and expressing greater compassion for other people, as well as a desire to be of service to others. Often, persons who have experienced great adversity in life, such as a life-threatening disease, a serious accident, or the loss of a loved one, suddenly feel a strong urge to help others who are faced with a similar situation. Following upon their painful experience, they may choose to quit their jobs, embark on a new education, start a new job, or build a private business with a strong mission. By learning from our suffering and sharing our experiences and lessons with others, we can transform our pain into a gift to those who experience a similar situation as we have.

3. Suffering – becoming a channel for Unconditional Love

After a prolonged period of suffering with little hope or help from the outside world, many people begin to seek help and answers in alternative modalities or deeper spiritual teachings. Some may turn to alternative healing methods, such as energy healing, while others look for guidance in ancient spiritual teachings (for example Christian mysticism) or in philosophical traditions (for example Buddhism). Still others may search for new ideas in positive real stories, such as those of spontaneous healing. Near-death experiences (NDEs) can also be a valuable source of hope and inspiration, providing a refreshing and ”higher” perspective on human suffering. Still others may deepen their meditation or yoga practice and have their own mystical or uplifting experiences.

Over time, our awareness may expand to the point where we begin to connect more fully with our inner truths, our Soul (or Essence), and ultimately with God within (as a Divine Presence). At this stage, some people may grow a desire to become channels of unconditional Love and Peace for the world. Perhaps you have heard the song “Make Me a Channel of Your Peace”, which is based on a poem called the Peace Prayer of St. Francis. The poem describes beautifully the anonymous author’s yearning to become a channel for God’s unconditional love in the world – a longing that may be awakened in us too, through a prolonged period of suffering. As Victor Hugo wrote, “It is by suffering that human beings become angels.”

A woman named Kimberly Clark Sharp shares her extraordinary experience, which happened to her as a young teenager. One day, she suddenly became seriously ill, fell to the ground, and had a so-called near-death experience (NDE). In her NDE, she had a profound conversation with God, in which she received universal messages about the higher purpose of human suffering and pain. Upon asking God “Why do we want to be born?”, God answered her that Earth is perfect for us as a school, as a place to learn about giving and receiving love, as well as about hard knocks, pain, and suffering. “But why is there pain and suffering?”, she asked. She was answered: “That is the way to Spirit”. She was told, that sadly, we do not turn to God or prayer, and we do not look outside of ourselves, except under stress (or great adversity). But, as she understood, that was all perfect in the mind of God. In my interpretation, this message would imply that there is in fact a divine or higher purpose behind our suffering, and that – in essence – suffering leads us to a remembrance and reconnection with God (or the Divine within).

Some final words…

Fortunately, with some dedicated inner work, meditative practice, social support, and personal guidance (by a spiritual mentor, coach, therapist, healing practitioner or wise soul), our suffering can be greatly reduced and far more bearable. Ultimately, we can begin to harness its precious fruits, for the benefit of our own development, the life quality of others, and humanity as a whole.

Lastly, some wise words of encouragement:

• “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.” (Lance Armstrong)
• “One word frees us from all the weight and pain of life, and that word is Love.” (Sophocles)
• “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” (Rumi)

The beautiful quote by Julian of Norwich’s in ”Revelations of Divine Love” also gives great encouragement in times of pain and suffering (see image).

If you are experiencing a period of pain and suffering, please do not hesitate to reach out to somebody, for example a friend or a family member. And I will be here for you too whenever you are in need.

Also, if you wish to subscribe to my newsletters, please send me an email or fill in the subscription form here.

Warm blessings,
Anna

This is the true story of Arion Light, an Australian man who tragically lost is wife to cancer about 10 years ago. Recently, Arion shared his deeply moving story before a large audience at the online Embodiment Conference (14 – 25th October 2020). Below is Arion’s personal account as shared at the conference (here carefully transcribed by me):

“[About] ten years ago my life came crumbling down. My beloved wife and mother to our 18 months old boy got diagnosed with cancer. And all my lovely little spiritual paradigms and my world came crumbling down and she was terminal. And I went into this space where I felt broken and I felt betrayed by life… Those of you who have been through hard times, know that the ideas and the concepts that we have, and we think we have worked something out in life; they can fall apart. That is what happened for me. I became really resentful of life, really hard and then really guilty about how [I felt]. I was going through all the motions caring for her, caring for our young boy, trying to take care of everyone and do everything I was meant to do. But I was frozen inside and furious. Actually, which I didn’t even know at the time, but I felt so betrayed. I bought into that spiritual principle of, if you just do your meditations and say your affirmations, your life will work out. And I was even teaching people that, and I thought I had some sort of handle on life. And then ‘real life’ came and got me. So that was in many ways the hardest time in my life. There was about six months of that, and it just got harder. And people could say, ‘Aaron you’re doing so well’, and I would smile and go ‘Yes’, but underneath I was just frozen inside.

Then after about six months, I got to this point where I actually couldn’t cope anymore. I remember sitting on the couch… [It was the day’s end] at 10:30 at night. I was sitting on the couch and I just started to cry. And my wife was in one room. She was sick with the cough, and my boy was sick in another room, and I had been going between NCIS [a television show] and caring for both of them for hours. And finally, there was this moment, sometime close to midnight, where they had both gone silent and the house was still, and the tears started to fall. And I remember literally slipping off the couch and falling on the floor and just sobbing, and this incredible feeling of failure came up. This feeling like ‘I can’t do it’. You know, ‘I can’t be this man that I meant to be. I can’t look after my wife. I feel like I’m failing her.’ She’s going through, you know, facing her own death and facing not being able to be a mother to her son. And here I am frozen and angry and just going through the motions and here is my boy trying to make sense of what was going on. And again, just parenting like a robot. And the guilt and the shame were so intense, and I just sobbed and broke, really remember saying ‘I can’t do this. I can’t do this.’ I didn’t know what any other option I had, but I just felt like I broke [inside].

And in that breaking somewhere on that floor, in that puddle I was on the floor, when I’d finally stopped trying to be the man I thought I should be. There was something else there. This presence, this depth of love, that came and held me. And I remember it like it was yesterday. Just this sense of Love rising up, and going, ‘I’ve got you’. And this feeling of ‘I don’t deserve this. Look at the horrible husband I’m being. Look at the pathetic dad I am being. Look, I’m so full of anger and hatred of myself.’ And the Love just rose and said ‘I’ve got you. It’s okay.’ And I just laid with it and got the first bit of rest bite that I’d had since we’ve got the news. And then, the next night it happened again, and the Love rose and held me, and I just cracked into it like an ocean and just got held there. I felt like I was being rocked by this deep love. I had known love as something more spiritual before, like something that I would experience out beyond me. I would open into the Divine Love.

But this was like Love rising through my flesh and my bones and that most ugly human bits of me. It was just saying ‘I love you. I’ve got you’.

I went through this process every night for about a week, where I would just fall into its arms of Love, and this really beautiful thing would happen where I would argue with it. It’s like, I would tell it where I wasn’t worthy of love. ‘Look how I haven’t been able to do this. I haven’t been able to do that and failing here.’ And if you’ve ever tried to argue with unconditional Love, it’s hard to win because it just goes, ‘I see you. I love you’. So after about a week, I just broke and this Love just washed through me. This oceanic love that was bigger than all my pain and all of my failures, everything. It just held me.

I remember waking up the next morning and just going: ‘Oh my god, I can, I can do this.’ And I just had this new vigor of life to meet my wife and my son. And then this miracle happened, which is really the source of this work [called Warrior Rythm] and why I’m telling this story. It’s that in the months leading up to her passing, this Love wasn’t just something that consoled me. It wasn’t just a Love like I had understood Love to be, which was like a sort of passive ‘I love you’ sort of thing.

But it became a living current in my body. And after breaking into its arms, it would start to flow through me like a river. And I noticed it flow through and move into action, and it would literally love my wife in ways that I couldn’t. That ‘me’, the personality, had fail that. And here, Love was moving and holding me in her arms, while she shared the deepest vulnerabilities of our heart. And there was me meeting my son and holding him as he was trying to make sense. And all of a sudden, I was living my life way better than I’d ever been able to.

And I was in that sort of cracking that I had to make my life work. You know, I’ve been like most of us being in that notion that I need to be the best person I can be and I need to try harder and do my affirmations and align my chakras and heal my mommy and daddy issues and you know, being more Zen and being more Yin or be more Yang. You know, I had all these different things that I was meant to do, to try and be, the person that I was meant to be. And yet here I was, broken, failed, and yet life was moving through me and living my life better than I ever could have.

I actually remember the day she passed, I was very blessed in such a horrific time, that was full of love. We had called the whole lot of friends together and they had been singing songs. She had been in a coma for a couple of days and I woke up about 5:30 in the morning. I was sleeping in her room next to her bed. And I just went over and went behind her and just held her in my arms, and just felt this Love pouring through me and through her. And another whole story is the way she had opened to Love in that time of death as well, in her last week. She would share that she has found the Love that cannot die. And so we were both in this incredible state of love as my heart and her heart was breaking again and again.

So in this morning, just as the kookaburras, which are amazing birds… their birdsong is like a laugh. Just as the first kookaburra started laughing in the morning, she passed away in my arms. And there was this incredible rush of love and beauty as my heart broke and the tears fell, and you know I was shattered. But this Love… I was in awe that here I was in… the worst thing that could ever happen to me. And here I was, more in love and more myself than I’d ever been. And it really made me realize that this sort of striving that I have been trying to do wasn’t working. It was more effort on the top of actually the truth of what I was, which call it Love, Spirit or Soul, but I’ll stay with Love today. That true nature of Love that had revealed itself. That wasn’t just a passive ‘Aahhh’, angelic spiritual thing. It was a f-cking, excuse the language, wild current.

In the years after that, through the grief and the 10 years since then, I have become a student of that Love. I have bowed to that Love and it has shown me how to be that Love. And then… I have started to teach other people and train… [In the past,] I’ve ran coaching programs and things beforehand, but they were much more about using techniques to try and become a better person. But as this Love ravished me and showed me that I was Love and that you are loved and that we are Love. This whole part of me trying so hard to make my life work just got in the jacuzzi, in the back of the bus, and just chilled out. And this Love learned to be the driver in my life and more and more of me learned to surrender to it. And then I began to work with other people and realize that this wasn’t just something for me, but that this was actually my life’s work, to help me and anyone else who is up for it to become that flow of Love, both for ourselves [and others]…

So, in any moment, we can bring in that flow. But even more miraculously, we can tap into that Love through our bodies, so it can become a living fire and create through us.

You know my passion, my tagline, the heart of my work, is ‘Love in action’… We can connect to that love and then bring it through. And so that’s what the ‘Warrior Rhythm’ is about, to teach you about this power that we have, to tap Love and let Love be that force that creates our life. And I have helped thousands of people now in yearlong programs and three months programs to become ‘Love in action’. And I’ve taken it from an experience and a possibility to a trainable method so that we can learn how to crack open to the Love. We can learn how to awaken it through our bodies. We can learn how to let it allow flow into action.”

Today, Arion Light works with clients, individually and in group, to help them connect with and awaken that Love in their own bodies and let it move them into action. This is his deepest passion, to inspire and awaken “love in action” in people around the world. Arion is founder of ‘Warriors of Love’, a year-long embodiment training program, as well as the creator of the ‘Warrior Rhythm’, an integral four-phase modality that unites spirituality, embodiment, action, and shadow work. For over a decade, he has worked with tens of thousands of people on how to align their soul, body, and action in everyday life. In addition, he is the author of many books and online programs and has ran hundreds of retreats and workshops.

For more about Arion Light’s work, see: https://www.warrior-rising.com/warrior-apprenticeship.

Note: The manuscript was fully read and approved by Arion Light before its publication.

Photos from Unsplash:
Top photo (man by lake) by Aaron Burden; second photo (sofa) by Jorge Moncayo; third photo (woman) by Oliver Pacas; last photo (man in sunset) by Zac Durant.

We are all wired to feel connected with others and to feel a sense of belonging in the world. This sense of belonging with others also brings joy, love, gratitude and higher meaning to life.

However, many people lack this feeling of connectedness with others. What Brené Brown found in her extensive research was that the key to feeling connected with others is to feel worthy of belonging. And, what keeps us from feeling worthy of belonging is our fear that something is fundamentally flawed with us and that we are not worthy or good enough in the eyes of others and ourselves.

In her entertaining and insightful presentation, Brené shares the following central message:  “In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen, for who were are”. We need to dare to be vulnerable and exposed, in our authenticity.

Being vulnerable in our nakedness is what truly makes us beautiful. But first we must let go of who we think we should be in order to be who we are, by embracing the belief that we are good enough as we are and by finding the courage to stand in our own imperfection before ourselves and others.

In contrast, persons who feel a strong sense of belonging and connection with others have the common belief that they are completely worthy of belonging. They also have the courage to be imperfect (all the time), both alone and with others. And, they are willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they really are. They believe that being vulnerable in itself makes you beautiful. In sum, they fully embrace their vulnerability – openly, lovingly and fearlessly.

(Sources: Image above by Priscilla du Preez from Unsplash; video from Ted Talks)